Something deep within me believed that this would be the month. I can’t explain why, but it just felt like that. Then, when I was driving, I saw the most beautiful complete rainbow over the valley. It felt like God was confirming my feeling, reminding me of the promise of his faithfulness and filling me with hope.
I clung to that hope throughout the two weeks of waiting. I could even feel changes in my body that I hadn’t felt before. I know you don’t get pregnancy symptoms that early, but maybe something different and new was happening in me.
Then, that Sunday I knew. I put off going to the bathroom as long as possible but you can’t put it off indefinitely! And yes, my fears were confirmed: my period had started. Two days early. I cried.
I haven’t cried like this in a long time. I just couldn’t hold them back. It was like a dark cloud just hung over me. I couldn’t shake it off the whole day, even though I was surrounded by stunning scenery and gorgeous weather. I forced a smile and tried to pretend that everything was OK.
But it wasn’t. I was crushed.
That night I called my husband and silently sobbed on the phone with him. He was great. I tried to explain what I was feeling deep inside. The crushing despair of having hoped so fervently, just to be disappointed again. The doubt that it will ever happen. The question as to what I will do if it doesn’t. And then I voiced the question that had been haunting me all day: where was God’s faithfulness in all this?
I was so sure that I had heard God back in January when I asked for the sign of the rainbow. I have talked before about my faith that God will give us children of our own. I didn’t think I had made this up. But was it just a projection of my own hope and desire? After all I had seen a perfect and beautiful rainbow just two weeks earlier. I had read that as a sign too and I was wrong. I wasn’t pregnant.
My husband listened and let me cry. Then he spoke the words I needed to hear. He reminded me of God’s faithfulness. That God loved me, that he loved me, and that God was faithful. He didn’t promise me that I would get pregnant, he didn’t even confirm that I had heard correctly from God. But he did remind me of God’s character.
What I remember most from his words was that if the rainbow was a sign from God, it wasn’t a tease or to get my hopes up. It was a reminder that He IS faithful. Maybe that faithfulness will be a child one day, and He wanted to give me hope today for that promise yet to come. Maybe that faithfulness is that, whatever happens, He will be with me and He will comfort me. Even if right now I’m not sure what I will do if we never have children, God will give me the strength I need to keep on going. In that He is always faithful and I can trust Him, even if I don’t understand His reasoning or actions.
So I will keep on keeping on! Still hoping, still praying, still desiring, but trusting in my God and Saviour, and being grateful for all that I do have, especially my loving husband who speaks the truth when I need it most.