4 days later:

Every sign my body makes I’m questioning for a sign that I am pregnant. I’m tired – abnormally so, but then I’ve thought that every month. I had stomach cramps a few days this week – is that ovulation? Is that implantation? Is it significant? I’m constipated – did I read somewhere that that was an early sign of pregnancy? Or do I just need more fibre? I’m also nauseous – but it’s way too early for that! I want it so much. And I fear it so much. Guess we’ll see!

7 days later:

We bought a pregnancy test today. It’s a few days early but I want to know. I’m terrified. I’m so scared of being disappointed as so many things seem to have given me hope this time; scripture readings, the timing, the genuine hope. How will I cope if I’m not? I’ll be so gutted. I’m scared of losing hope and faith. This is the best chance we’ve had. So please please please God help me get through whatever is ahead. Today’s scripture verse was “I’m not afraid as I trust in the Lord” Psalm 56. Help that to be true. The other verse that stood out was “Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.” Psalm 31: 24. God, help me be courageous and trust and wait patiently for you.

The next day:

So it was negative. I hardly slept all night so finally at 5:30am we got up and did the test. It was so nice having my husband stood next to me, hugging me and sharing in my disappointment. I just kept repeating those verses to myself and felt a calm peace. A peace that probably comes from the tiny bit of hope that I’m clinging to that the test was wrong. My period hasn’t come yet.

I was very emotional in church, singing songs about God’s goodness. Knowing that is true, even though it feels like he’s ignoring our prayers. I can still trust Him and He is good. Even Psalm 37 today is an encouragement “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.”

3 days later:

Devastated. I spent half an hour silently sobbing in the toilets at work when my period started. Somehow sat at my computer until I could go home. Can’t describe the pain. Or the tears.

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