You may have read that we were going to find out if our IVF had been successful on Christmas Day. It wasn’t. And we did find out on Christmas Day. At 5pm to be precise. Just after we’d finished a lovely Christmas Dinner. I cried. My Mum cried. It wasn’t the result we wanted. Had God not heard my prayers? Our prayers? Why didn’t He answer them? Will I ever be a Mum? It’s not fair. I was devastated. I still am. I haven’t begun to grieve properly yet, but I will. I’m not sure it’s sunk in. So much hope and potential, all gone. It did mean one thing though: I had a nice large glass of red wine! A bitter sweet glass of wine. One I wish I wasn’t able to drink. Not this year.
Yet surprisingly it didn’t spoil Christmas. We were still able to celebrate the birth of Jesus. I still know that God loves me. Whether I ever get the chance to be a Mum or not doesn’t change that. It doesn’t change who I am. I can’t change the circumstances. But I can change how I respond to them. I can choose to be angry and bitter, or I can ask God to help me let go of those feelings. I can focus on what I do have, and I know that I am very blessed. I can thank God that I have a loving caring husband. I can thank Him that we had the chance to try IVF. I can thank Him that I was surrounded by my family who love me when I found out. But I also don’t need to pretend that everything is OK. I can tell God exactly how I am feeling, I can cry and weep and tell him that I don’t think it’s fair, and then let Him comfort me. And that is what I’ve chosen to do. Am choosing to do. It’s a daily choice. And He is comforting me.
There’s a song by Mercy Me called ‘Even If’ that speaks to me every time I hear it. I hope this will help you and me choose to trust God and find our hope in Him, no matter what our circumstances.
They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad
I’ve stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it’ll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can’t
It’s easy to sing when there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say when I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone
You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days Jesus,
I will cling to You come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able , I know You can
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t My hope is You alone
It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul
Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, I can trust God. When He said “come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest” He meant it. I’m finding comfort and peace in His arms and I invite you to do the same. He loves us. He cares for us. Let Him bring us peace. Even if we don’t like our situation. My prayer is that we can all say and mean these words “it is well with my soul.”
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